Kills me every time
by xx you don't know me xx
Summary: I watched silently as my family's lives crumbled down around I ached so much, to take the pain But I And that's what kills me every time
1. Chapter 1

He turns around, a look of pure anguish imprinted on what used to be a happy, alive but, is now a young, vulnerable, withered face.

"Fang..." I whisper. He doesn't seem to hear me.

I stare into those dark, onyx orbs. The ones that used to sparkle with laughter and mischief. The ones that I used to look into and feel as though I could fall... and keep falling into eternity. The ones that used to show so much love and hope but now look empty, apart from that torturous look of anger, hurt and devastation all rolled into one, twisted, almost unreadable emotion. Almost.

At that moment, I wish, no. I would do or give anything to hold him in my arms and take the pain away.

But I can't. That's what hurts the most. That's what causes me to lose a little bit of hope each time I look at his face. The stiff set of his chiselled jaw. The soft, plump lips that I could spend hours on end, just simply looking. And the lips that have the potential to light up the world with just one smile. That smile that I hope to see again someday. And that's what kills me...

The possibility that I will never see that smile.

That's what kills me every time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi guys, so Imma keep this short and just say, this was never going to be an actual story but I was reading a review I got for it and decided that I would carry it on. Yay for me. This is going to be about four chapters long and this idea came to me whilst I was washing my hair. I truly am a special case…**

* * *

_Max P.O.V_

I watch as the same emotion taints my entire family's face. Pain.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, as I watch the casket being lowered into the ground, the rich soil starting to cover it. "So sorry." The words forming on my lips but not actually making a sound.

I watch as tears stream down Angel's petite face.

I watch as Mum gathers her into a tight hug.

I watch as Ella and Nudge hold onto each other for dear life.

I turn to look at Gazzy, who is clinging onto Iggy's hand as he tries to act tough. My little soldier.

And then…

Fang.

I watch as his emotionless mask falters, the look on his face the same as when you take away a kid's favourite toy, or tell them their pet has gone to animal heaven. The same look Angel had when she lost Celeste that time. The same look that is tearing my heart to shreds.

"I'm so sorry Fang." I whimper as he composes himself once again.

As for myself… I'm the most shocked out of all of us. How did this happen? But of course I knew. And I couldn't do anything to stop it. Just as I couldn't do anything to stop this excruciating pain that is quickly tearing my family apart. I had caused so much distress. My own included.

I watched as Fang stormed off out of the cemetery and broke into a run.

"Fang!" I yelled, chasing after him. He didn't stop. He hadn't heard me….

* * *

I watched as the rest of my family gaped after him, awestruck.

"Leave him." I begged, "He needs time alone."

It seems Iggy had the same idea as he grabs Ella's hand and pulls her over to the minivan, the rest following as they pile in.

The journey is silent, tension wrapping around them like a coil. Who knew when it would break?

* * *

I watch as they enter the empty house. The house that had once been the foundation of all the fun, happy events that had now contorted into nothing but, painful, bitter sweet yet precious memories.

I knew one thing was for sure…. Nothing would ever be the same again.

How could it? When our lives had been turned upside down like this? I wished, with all I had, that they could somehow forget. But how could they?

Things had never been this bad before. I had thought we were safe, finally. I had assumed that they were all gone. That we finally had a place to call home. That we were finally going to live a normal life.

Guess I was wrong.

* * *

**So that's what I have so far. Hope you all enjoyed it…**

**Anyway, I realised that I once said I would start referencing to a song I listen to whilst I write just for fun and cause I wanna… but I never remember to so whilst I do remember,**

**_Your Guardian Angel – The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus _helped me with this chapter. I only heard this last week yet I am hooked...**

**But enough about my new obsession…**

**Review. You know you want to…**


	3. Chapter 3

_**Max P.O.V**_

I watch as my family go their separate ways. Nobody was going to stay together tonight, not even when they needed each other the most.

I watch as Nudge makes a bee line for her bedroom, swings open the door and slams it shut not a second later.

I watch as she throws herself onto the bed, face down, and kicks her shoes off as they hit the floor with a loud **_thud._**

I watch as she turns around, sits up and pulls the pillow to her face, as sobs wrack through her fragile body.

I watch as her head suddenly snaps up, towards the sound of Iggy's voice.

_"Dinner's ready._" He yells.

She doesn't move.

I watch as she sighs, a long, painstaking sound, and moves to slide under the covers on the bed.

I walk over to the bed, currently occupied by the still sobbing girl, and gently place a hand on her shaking shoulder. She doesn't react. She doesn't seem to feel it.

I sigh as I exit the room, making my way down stairs.

* * *

I watch as Iggy throws the remnants of what should have been dinner in the trash.

I watch as he forages through the fridge and emerges with a plate of chocolate chip cookies I had attempted to make just two nights before.

I watched as a sad smile takes its place on his face, before soon turning into a distraught look that makes my head spin, and my world crumble all over again.

I watch as he growls, a low, rumbling sound deep from his throat before he pulls his arm back and pushes it forward again, jumping at the loud **_smash_** the plate of pitiful cookies makes as it crashes against the wall, and then proceeds to shatter into thousands of tiny pieces of delicate china.

_He would pay for that later…_

I watch as he smacks his hand to his forehead. _"Stupid. So fucking stupid."_ He mutters to himself as I look on.

I watch as he shivers to himself when I walk up behind him, placing a pale hand to his arm and whisper, _"I'm so sorry. I wish I could have stopped them."_

I watch as he moves to clear the broken plate, resembling how the young teenage boy feels at this point.

I leave with a grimace, desperately hoping to comfort them all. But I couldn't.

* * *

I watch as Angel sits in the lounge, Gazzy close by.

I watch as tears silently make their way down her rosy cheeks, and I watch as her brother pulls her to him, in a heart-warming hug.

I watch as she curls up tightly, and buries her head into his shoulder, his small, skinny arms meeting around her waist.

I watch as the mischievous glint slowly fades from the young boys' eyes, unsure if I'll ever see it again.

I watch as Ella enters the room, clad in a pair of sweats and old t-shirt.

I watch as she pulls her long brunette hair into a ponytail, takes her place on an armchair and just stares.

I watch as Iggy follows soon after, sitting in another armchair, and flicks the T.V remote, not paying the slightest attention as to what is on T.V.

I can almost see the clogs working away in his mind as he chew his lip, no doubt worrying about Fang. _Where was he?_

I watch as Ella frown furiously and snaps. _"Will you just choose?!"_

I watch as Iggy glances up, confused. _"What?"_

_"Just pick a freaking show and leave it on!"_

I watch as Iggy's sightless eyes glare daggers at her.

I watch as Angel cowers closer into her older brother.

I watch as Iggy throws the remote in Ella's direction. _"Here! You choose!"_

I watch as the remote smacks her in the head.

I watch as she pulls her hand to touch a forming bump on her forehead before she screeches at Iggy. _"Watch what you're doing asshole!"_

I watch as a hurt look crosses Iggy's features.

I watch as Ella bites her lip, in sorrowful regret.

I watch as Gazzy and Angel cower into the sofa, tears filling their eyes before spilling over. Fear overwhelming their senses.

I watch as Ella's face takes on a placid look. _"Ig… I'm sorry… I…I didn't mean it. I just… it's… I can't-"_

_"I know."_

I watch as Ella chokes out her apology before Iggy cuts her off, rushing to her and pulling her to him, into his warm, comforting embrace.

* * *

I make my way out of the lounge and up the stairs, pausing at Fang's bedroom door before continuing and entering my mother's study.

I watch as she groans and places her head in her hands, struggling in an attempt to find the words.

I watch as she lifts her head up and begins to type, her eyes bloodshot and puffy.

I watch as she grimaces at the result of her pain cluttered mind, and pushes away from the desk in haste, rushing down the stairs to see what the commotion was that had drifted from the downstairs lounge, all the way into her study. Her private space. The commotion that had disturbed her from her thoughts.

I watch as my family sit together, the T.V blaring in the background. Not one of them paying attention.

I watch as one by one, they make their way upstairs to bed.

I watch as the house turns deadly silent, and I make my way downstairs to sit at the kitchen table.

* * *

I jump as a loud bang rattles through the house, the door swinging into contact with the wall.

I watch as a drunken Fang stumbles into the house, slamming the door shut and making the long trip up the stairs into his bedroom.

I watch as a relieved look crosses his features quickly, glad not to have woken up my family.

I watch as his eyes move to his bed, the covers ruffled and unmade from two days before.

I watch as he pulls the pillow up to his face and smells the remaining scent of my apple shampoo.

I watch as his beautiful face twists into a devastating look of emptiness.

I watch as he throws the pillow down to the ground, the look now corrupting into an angered one.

I watch as his hand makes contact with the wall, over and over again. I watch as he raises his swollen, bloody knuckles to his face and looks, in wonder at the damage he had caused.

I watched as his head shakes slowly and he slides down the wall into a sitting position.

I watch as he pulls his legs up, knees meeting his chest, and lowers his face to his knees.

I watch as his shoulders shake violently, no longer caring to contain the emotions he has kept hidden for so long.

I watch as he lifts his head up again, giving me a clear view of his face – tears glittering in his dark eyes and spilling over, to run down his cheeks.

I watch as he whispers, in what can only be described as a broken, empty voice. _"I loved you. Why did you have to leave?"_

_"Fang."_ I breathe as I watch him. _"I'm sorry."_

* * *

**Review **


	4. Chapter 4

**_Max P.O.V_**

I watch as Fang's sobs send tremors through his body.

I watch as he gasps for breath, gulping in air like a drowning man.

I watch as he continues to chant it, like a prayer.

"_You can't be gone."_

"_You can't be gone."_

I watch as his face takes on a mask of hostility and aggression.

"_I'll find them. And when I do… I'll kill them."_

I watch as my best friend, the boy I love, replays in his mind, the scene that had caused so much devastation and loss.

* * *

**_2 days earlier…_**

**_I suck in a breath as a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist tightly._**

**"_Fang…" I grind my teeth._**

**"_What?" Comes his gruff reply, all too innocent._**

**"_You know what. Stop that." His arms tighten around me as he chuckles, a heart stopping sound. "And before you say it, no… not breathing." I add before he can say it. What he always said._**

**_He chuckles again as we take in our surroundings. This would be our last time living in a cave. We had all decided to go and live with Mum and Ella. And for once… we could. We didn't have to worry about Erasers finding us and attacking. Because they were all dead. _**

**_I took off into the cloudy sky and the whole flock followed after me._**

**_It felt like sunshine coming out on a rainy day. For so long I had been so anxious, so tense, that now, when I finally relaxed, I could feel each of my muscles unwinding one by one. And it felt great._**

**_Just as I'm pondering my new found freedom, grinning like crazy, I hear a low chuckle, one I don't recognise. _**

**_What was happening? All too quickly, my muscles immediately tense up again and my hands clench into fists._**

**_Not far off into the distance, I see him. How was this even possible? They were supposed to be dead! _**

**"_Do you see that? Is that what I think it is?" Nudge murmurs close behind me, her voice catches, giving away her nerves. _**

**"_More like who." _**

**_I glance at Fang as he acknowledges what we were all too afraid to. _**

**_Ari was coming towards us. And he had his little gang of mutant hybrids with him. We were outnumbered by a long shot. _**

**_As they come closer, flying at a rapid pace with their newly improved wings, I can just make out a menacing smirk on Ari's face. _**

**_Crap…_**

**"_What are we gonna do Max?" Angel's soft voice cuts through the whistling of the wind. _**

**_I take a minute to think before replying. "The only thing we can do. We fight. And get rid of them once and for all." My voice comes out calm and steady, which is so not how I was feeling right now. Glad to see I can still keep my cool when my world is about to implode any minute. That's an advantage…_**

**_Suddenly, a loud 'Oooof' cuts off my thoughts and I turn to see Iggy tackling an eraser, barely having enough time to prepare myself before they all come charging and we're surrounded. _**

**_Ari crashes into me and catches me off guard. _**

**"_Well, well, well, fancy seeing you here." Ari speaks as if we're old friends._**

**_I don't reply, instead choosing to lift my hand and snap it down on his shoulder. He cries out and stops flapping his wings for a second, dropping a few feet below me and I take the opportunity to let myself drop onto his shoulders. _**

**_Placing my arms around his neck, gripping on for dear life._**

**"_You know, I was having a really good day. Now you come and ruin it." I mutter thoughtfully into his ear as he chokes and gasps for breath. _**

**_In one flash of a second, he's pulling me by my arms and flips me over his head so I'm face to face with him, his arms restraining me. He pulls his hand back, then snaps it forward, punching me in the face. _**

**"_Well now you're just pissing me off." _**

**_He smirks at my comment as I kick my leg up, tangling it behind his leg so they give out beneath him._**

**_Unfortunately, he still has a tight hold on my arms so I go down with him. _**

**_Let's review my current choices._**

**_Let Ari fall and die with him._**

**_Start flapping my wings like, NOW so that I don't die. The only disadvantage to this would be that I save Ari._**

**_That's a tough one. Without a second thought, I start to move my wings swiftly, up and down. _**

**_Looking above me, I'm not surprised to see that it's complete and utter chaos. My eyes drift slowly towards Fang, who's in the midst of snapping an Erasers neck. A second later and the Eraser drops, screeching. Some girls get a fancy dinner and a movie. Me? I get to watch my boyfriend in the middle of an all-out blood bath in the sky. Those girls are such losers. _**

**_I feel a bubbling sense of pride as I watch and almost forget my own fight with Ari. Almost…_**

**_Bringing my hand back to punch him in the nose, I hear a satisfying crunch. He growls and snaps his head forward whilst I groan at the impact his forehead makes against my own. _**

**"_Dammit!" I snap. _**

**_Above me, most of the Erasers are gone, falling past me continuously as they choose death over the horrendous injuries my flock had no doubt caused. _**

**_Just as I'm beginning to really think I can do this. I can beat Ari. I notice a sharp glint coming from his back pocket. Adrenaline is coursing through my veins and I'm starting to get a little worried. He notices the slight apprehensive look on my face and snarls, reaching behind him to pull out the weapon I had not a clue of just two seconds ago. I make one last snap decision and rise up before swooping down and slamming my feet on the top of his head, knocking him out perfectly._**

**_With that, I fly upwards as fast as I can and greet my flock, battered and bruised. _**

**"_Let's go." _**

**_I glance over at them all, making sure nobody is badly hurt and catch Nudge looking at something behind me, terrified. _**

**_Just as I turn round, I feel a sharp, stabbing pain in my chest and gasp._**

**_Ari's snarling face is the last thing I see before I start falling._**

**_A pair of strong arms lifting me up is the last thing I feel. _**

**_A panicked voice, shouting my name is the last thing I hear before I pass out._**

* * *

I watch silently as my entire family's lives crumble down around them. I ache to help them, to comfort them. But I couldn't. I burned with the desire to pull them into my arms and tell them it was okay. But it wasn't. How could it be okay? It would never be okay again.

Because that was the day they had lost someone so special.

Because that was the day I, Maximum Ride, had died.

"I'm sorry." I whisper to my family, before darkness overcomes my senses.

* * *

**So that was the last chapter of kills me every time. I really hope you guys enjoyed this story and it would be great if you reviewed. Thank you to all the people who HAVE reviewed this story. This has been by far, my favourite story to write.**


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